Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Important reminders

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Dear Lord..

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

first you must answer his riddles