sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
is he marrying that labradoodle
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.