sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I am crying
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.