Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.