Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
oh no, steve’s working tonight
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire