Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The little toadstool has spoken.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“You’d better run, egg!”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now