Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Barbie gone wild

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Why would I want to fund a crowd?