Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Yup….perfect score!

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

whenever i wake up before my alarm

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing