Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

😂

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.