Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
You Might Also Like
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.