Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
There’s only one good girl here!
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Omg 🤣
