Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Yeah. This was me today.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!