Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Cashiers are always checking me out

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Wow 🤣

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.