Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
there has never been a better use of this meme
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!