Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

#Caturday

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.