Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?