Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

“Worm Regards”

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby