Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.