Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*