Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
You Might Also Like
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.