Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

i think we should see other cousins

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.