Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.