Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
What
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.