Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
You Might Also Like
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Gemma Correll
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back