Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me