Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
You Might Also Like
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.