Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.