@mxmclain

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

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@kimmer4667

Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.

@joeldanger

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@rationalists

Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@SteveSuckington

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@ibid78

[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house