Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”
*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house