“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.