“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
LMFAOOOO
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension