“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I was just discussing this with my cat
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I only say stupid things when I talk.