Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?