Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Dead
Alive
Other✔

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Thrilling chase underway

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?