Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.