Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon