Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.