Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

My wedding will be open casket.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him