Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
#ProTip
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“