Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

thanks auntie mary

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.