Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

I’m going to need a moment here.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus