sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory