sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD