Sorry. Not sorry
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Check your privilege
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
