Sorry. Not sorry
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So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Education is vital
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times