Sorry not sorry.
You Might Also Like
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you