Sorry. Not sorry
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
found this cool rock hiking today
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
it was a valiant fight
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”