‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Ummm
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.