Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise