Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry