Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.