imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You Might Also Like
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing