Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
He instantly became one of the bros
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The news in a nutshell.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE