Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Are you ok, human???
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.