Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
There’s never enough good news
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*