Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Festive toon…

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”