Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh