Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.