Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
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I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My new favorite headline
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: