bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?