“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.
“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?
There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids