@UnFitz

“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?

There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”

But whatever.

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@jennyjaffe

“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

@robfromonline

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@FredTaming

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

@WSiefford

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

@Jandalize

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

@StupiDucker

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@ThingsGoinOn

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids