If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill