Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Good morning
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Growing up was a huge mistake
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
SONOFA
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.