Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
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I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Last-minute gift idea!
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.