Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
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My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Story of my life…..
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
