Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*