Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

necessity is the mother of invention

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.