Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
So creative 😂
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.