sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k