sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
My love language is hissing.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.