sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

You Might Also Like


date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me


It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone


*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*


If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.


My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.


I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”


Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”


[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit


Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.