@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

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@girlnarly

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone

@samiam604

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.

@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

@Bob_Janke

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@lisaxy424

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.