Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room