sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Confused owl: What?!
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.